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The Daddy Diaries: Parental Follies, Part Two


Well, once we got through our horrible Sunday, stocked up on cereal, formula and diapers, we could really only go up from there, right??? Wrong.

On Monday evening, I got home from work, and was so excited to sit down and play with Gracee. She was so happy to see me. Squealing and giggling and screaming. I scooped her up and started kissing and nibbling her belly and ribs, which makes her laugh so hard. As I did this, I swung her around, and she kinda squirmed and arched her back. I over corrected and kind of jerked my arms, to catch her, in the process, wracking her tiny little coconut head off the dining room doorframe. This did not please her. She lost her freakin’ mind. But not in pain…..in ANGER. She was so mad, she just looked directly into my soul, and screamed crazy baby curse words at me, that I’m certain would make a sailor blush. This lasted for the better part of 15 minutes. However, she was pretty dismissive of me the whole damned evening.

Moving on…..on Tuesday, I was working from home that afternoon. April was working on something crafty out in the garage, and Gracee was ready for her nap. As usual, she was fighting her nap pretty hard. However, she’s no match for mine and April’s bed. When you lay her on our bed, it’s like she has no power, she buries her face in a blanket and her eyelids close, against her iron will. However, this day, even though I laid her on the bed, she was particularly squirmy and wiggly. So, I laid down with her. I held her little body close to mine. It was a battle of wills, and I was not to be outdone. And it worked. She fell asleep. Yesssss.

So I gently get up, to ease out of the room, and I said to myself, “Self….this baby has been getting pretty mobile here, lately. She could probably squirm her way off of this bed”. So, I stacked pillows all around her. There’s no way, she’s getting out of THAT fortress. I give myself a mental high 5. This Dad stuff is easy.

daddy2I go into the living room to do a little work on my laptop. As I sit down though, I realize that there is something I should go do first. I don’t wanna say it out loud, but it rhymes with “shmoop”, but starts with a “p”, and doesn’t have a “shm” on it. You get it.

I had no sooner got saddled up, and (thankfully) hadn’t even started the business at hand, when I hear a blood curdling baby cry. “OH. CRAP.”
I nearly knocked the bathroom door off its hinges, heading for the bedroom on the other side of the house. But I didn’t get there before mama bear, who found Gracee laying limp on the bedroom floor beside the bed.

This ain’t good. Gracee is, again, mad as hell. Although, I’m sure the fall scared her, she is TOTALLY milking it, and I’m getting some terribly murderous looks from my wife. “You can’t just LEAVE her on the bed like that, anymore”! Ummm. Obviously. I stupidly attempted to redeem myself, by saying “I stacked pillows up, all around her so she wouldn’t fall off”! But that argument was futile. And Gracee damn sure wasn’t helping anything with all the dramatic waterworks. She and I are gonna have to have a little talk, next time moms not around. That’s assuming that April will ever LEAVE Gracee with me alone, again.

But of course, Gracee was fine. Not even a scratch. The only scar left is the PTSD that I have, every time I go to the bathroom.

It’s only Tuesday y’all. There’s plenty more to come.

-by Stoney Stamper

The Daddy Diaries


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