Hilarious White Couch Parenting

Relax on your pristine white couch and enjoy these realistic depictions of motherhood. Brought to you by the hysterical folks behind the Tumblr “It’s Like They Know Us.” 

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“And the Magic Prince declared from that day forward, only those with the purest flaxen hair may sit upon the Enchanted White Couch of Pristinia.”

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“Ooh, I hope there’s something beige on.”

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“I will just leave my baby in these dark bushes while I attend the gala. I’m sure it’s just like a Disney movie and some squirrels or an egret or whatever will nurture him as one of their own while I’m away.”

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“Mommy Brain? I don’t know what you’re talking about! I never forget the names of people I see on a daily basis, put our remote controls in the refrigerator, or trail off mid-sentence because I forgot what

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“If you’re not going to clean the kitchen in 6 inch stilettos and a cocktail dress, then honestly, why bother?”

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“Ah yes, what you’ve found there is the White-Footed Field Baby, haven’t seen one since I was a girl. Be careful, they’re cute but they poop when startled.”

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“You think I’M being unfair? You want to wear saturated primary colors? BE MY GUEST. But I will not stand by and let you disparage the muted principles your mother and I worked so hard to teach you.”

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“My clients love when I bring the baby to meetings.  My severe bun lets them know I mean business.”

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“Thank you for buying these thoughtful, coordinated storage baskets. Now we will never leave our toys on the floor again.”

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This mother is having limited success White Couch Feeding her child, but why?

If you look closely, you will notice that the couch is actually “Dutch White.”

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“You were right! Ever since we started White Couch Feeding with Emmett, he’s been eating like a champ.”

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“Catching a beautiful sunrise is easy when you’re up every 12 minutes to pee.”

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“Oh, really?  My little guy never fusses at mealtime. Have you tried feeding him on a white couch?”

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“We save a lot of time preparing our meals by letting the children help.”

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“Molly, get away from there! You know we don’t want the baby to have any visual stimuli!”

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“Oh, they DO carry it in a muted pastel!  Well, that’s embarrassing…”

 

 

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“Our children always have a keen awareness of where the line is when roughhousing. We are not worried that this will end in a squashed breast or foot to the testicles.”

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