1. your child will misbehave
2. in front of an audience
3. the audience will be made up of an usually high number of other moms
4. and children
5. the children in the audience may misbehave as well
6. but not on the day your child misbehaves
7. in fact, the children in the audience will be on their BEST behavior
8. on the day your child misbehaves
9. in front of the audience
10. you will try to manage the situation
11. you will fail
12. you will begin to sweat and look for the quickest way of escape
13. there will be no escape
14. the audience will grow increasingly interested
15. your child will grow increasingly vocal
16. you will begin to make threats of epic proportions
17. such as no iPad for the next five years
18. and no candy for the next seven Halloweens
19. and in that moment you. are. absolutely. serious.
20. this will make your child scream louder.
21. something along the lines of “MEANEST MOMMY IN THE WHOLE WORLD!”
22. the audience moms will begin to whisper
21. you will have no idea what they’re saying, but you’re sure it’s snarky:
23. “who’s in charge in THAT house?????”
24. you will sweat more
25. you will consider bribery
26. then you will remember that anti-bribery parenting class
27. you will consider running away
28. but you’re sure your child will follow
29. you will quickly realize there is no other option
30. you must grab and run
31. but the child is almost 6 years old
32. and very heavy
33. the screams will grow louder
34. a store worker will approach
35. it’s now or never
36. you are G.I. Jane, you are woman, hear you roar, you are a WARRIOR
37. you will grab and run! head down! eyes steely!
38. the audience will cheer!
39. (ok, maybe not)
40. you will make it to the car
41. your child will find a stray bag of marshmallows in the backseat
42. your child will now be completely content
43. in between marshmallow mouthfuls, your child will proceed to tell you how much he loves going to the store with you and ask when the two of you can go again
44. you may require therapy
Addendum to Law 4352:
*The situation will magnify approximately 150 percent for each additional child involved.
*Any store purchases made prior to the situation may or may not make it to the car with you.
*The store audience MUST include at least two people you know.
*At least one of those two people MUST be someone to whom you have previously bragged about your child’s exemplary behavior.
-by Jai Wallace Tracy