It’s coming. It’s going to happen before you know it. It’s been EVER SO s-l-o-w-ly creeping up on you. You’ve been ignoring it. Making excuses. Telling yourself you have time. But now judgment day is in less than a month. The clock is tick, tick, ticking. Quickly go the minutes, hours and days until YOU have to wear a swimsuit.
Oh, it might not feel like it but summer is around the corner and if you do the swim suit math – how many pounds can I lose in 30 days X a Juice Cleanse divided by the Detox Sugar Diet multiplied by the square root of a going back to the gym = at the very best a swim skirt.
There, there, it’s okay if you’re crying a little or a lot because, I, Snarky in the Suburbs, am here for you. So friend, go ahead and eat that 600 calorie sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies, it’s all going to be okay. If you take my fashion advice and join me in going full beach towel this summer.
Oh sure, the swim skirt is supposed to act as flab camo but let’s be real: that skirt barely provides complete butt coverage and in no way conceals that nasty enemy combatant known as wandering cellulite that starts mid fanny and enjoys taking long, meandering walks down the back of your thighs.