As I Remember: The 1974 Intro to the Gridiron

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AS I REMEMBER
By Charlie Allton
The 1974 Introduction To The Gridiron Show
charlieSeems like its been a long, long time
Since I stepped out here to rattle and rhyme
But I tell you folks it’s a welcome sight
To see you all out there tonight.
I know you came to see what’s in store
For the little old town in ’74.
We had a good year in ‘73
Or that’s the way it seems to me.
Oh!  We had some difference of opinion,
And one or two quarrels and a spat.
But we held one or two elections
And did away with that.
Some tried for a charter government
And spent a lot of cash in doing so
But when the people went to the polls
The biggest part of ‘em voted NO.
A lot of folks shed salty tears
When the good ship Charter sank.
Even Donn Dodd cried a little out on the street
But he smiled when he got in the bank.
The school bonds passed without any heat
But it’s always been the rule
That Claremore just won’t hold back
When it comes to helping the school.
We held a multi-county library election
And most of the folks, forsooth,
Couldn’t even find the library
But they sure found the voting booth.
We sent ole Clem to Congress
And thot we had done something swell
But he took one look at the Potomac
And didn’t like it so well.
I said, “Clem, how did you like Washington?”
He said, “Uncle, I’d a liked it just fine,
If it was west of Arkansas, Northeast of Texas,
And south of the Kansas line.”
“No place there to pasture a cow,
No place for a horse to roam
And Donna and me and little Bart
Just like it better here at home.”
Now I was kinda glad to know
That he wasn’t pleased back there
‘Cause we’ve got a place down here where he’ll fit
And that’s in the Governor’s chair.
Now a lot of folks got kinda panicky
About a shortage of energy;
But I’ve been bothered with a shortage all my life
And it sure don’t worry me.
When I was a kid just growing up
My brother and me and my pa
Would take care of our energy problem
With a chopping ax and a crosscut saw.
 They use electricity now for a hundred things
Like cooking, and sweeping the floor,
And washing dishes and opening cans;
Some of ‘em open and shut the door.
Makes living mighty easy with
All those gadgets and tricks
But when the transformer blows on a story night
They sure are in a helluva fix.
When we had a tough local problem
We just did the best that we could
And the government didn’t help us
Nor did we think they would.
Now they send in a big bunch of experts
And they rant and rave and shout
And choke each other with twelve syllable words
But none of ‘em know what they’re talking about.
A manually operated adjunct
Ambidexterously used in the
Annihilation of excessive vegetation
To aid in ecological escalation
And pollutionary eradication.
Now ain’t that a lick to see
How far that nincompoop would go
Do you know what he was trying to describe?
Just a plain old garden hoe.
They’ve changed the way of teaching school
And I guess it’s all for the best.
I know I’d hate to be in the fifth grade now
And have to pass the test.
These kids can look at the pictures and read thru the book
But they can’t tell “P” from “Q”.
They know the distance around the moon
But they can’t add six and two.
Now our method of education
Would be considered kinda slow
Cause ‘rithmetic’ and reading and spelling
Was about as far as we could go.
Would you listen while I tell you how I learned my A. B. C.
I learned it as a poem at my little mother’s knee.
Now folks that’s all of 70 years
But I can see her laughing yet
As she tried to teach her knotheaded young one
The Animal Alphabet:
Alligator, beetle, porcupine, whale
Bob-o-link, panther, dragon fly, snail
Crocodile, monkey, buffalo, hare
Dromedary, leopard, mud-turtle, bear
Elephant, badger, pelican, ox
Flyingfish, reindeer, anaconda, fox
Guineapig, dolphin, antelope, goose
Hummingbird, weasel, pickerel, moose
Ibex, rhinoceros, owl, kangaroo
Jackal, opossum, toad, cockatoo
Kingfisher, peacock, anteater, bat
Lizard, ichneumon, honeybee, rat
Mockingbird, camel, grasshopper, mouse
Nightingale, spider, cuttlefish, grouse
Ocelot, pheasant, wolverine, auk
Periwinkle, ermine, katydid, hawk
Quail, hippopotamus, armadillo, moth
Rattlesnake, lion, woodpecker, sloth
Salamander, goldfish, angle worm, dog
Tiger, flamingo, scorpion, frog
Unicorn, ostrich, nautilus, mole
Viper, gorilla, basilisk, sole
Whippoorwill, beaver, centipede, fawn
Xanthus, canary, polliwog, swan
Yellowhammer, eagle, hyena, lark
Zebra, chameleon, butterfly, shark.
Now I see you’re getting tired
And I guess I’d better go
‘Cause I don’t want to see you leave
And miss the rest of this show.
We know you’re gonna enjoy the songs
And we hope you’ll like the jokes
We built it all for your pleasure
‘Cause you’re our kind of folks.
Submitted to moreClaremore by the Claremore Museum of History. The museum is located at 121 N. Weenonah and is open every Saturday from 11a – 3p. 


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