I didn’t think my bacon joke would offend anyone. I was wrong. I had tweeted something like, “If I was a pig, I would be bummed out about how popular bacon is these days.” Someone responded with a Bible verse and told me that “only sinners should fear death.”
Perfect, because I was indeed trying to discuss the prospects for heaven that most pigs face. In my defense though, offending someone online is perhaps the easiest thing in the world to accomplish. That said, I have a few things I need to get off my chest before Christmas.
Here we go:
1. If the Christmas letter you send in your Christmas card is more than 1,000 words long, I skim it.
2. I’m pretty sure Chex Mix is what will be served in hell. It might be the best way to ruin five delicious individual snacks all at once.
3. I put oranges in my kids’ stockings not because they love citrus but because they really fill out the stocking and give the impression of awesome things inside.
4. I judge people who add nuts to brownies. (It’s like putting a handful of gravel in your dessert.)
5. I’m pretty sure at this point Mary knows and we can stop singing that song. Please.
6. My wife and I walked out of a Trans Siberian Orchestra concert. I would have thrown a smoke bomb to escape had I known what the concert was going to be like and I had been wearing my smoke bomb fanny pack.
7. Our nativity scene constantly looks like a hurricane hit it and may include a Barbie, Beanie baby or ninja from time to time.
8. I didn’t think the movie Anchorman was funny. That doesn’t have anything to do with Christmas, but every friend I have thinks I am dumb. I have been told I need to watch it more than once.
9. Now that we’ve jumped the Christmas rails, I’ve never seen a whole episode of Breaking Bad. I have come to believe though that the hardest part of watching Breaking Bad is telling other people they should watch Breaking Bad.
10. Let’s get back to Christmas. Though I love Mariah’s Christmas album, I refuse to acknowledge her second one.
11. Some of the words my wife said when we had a horrible experience trying to ship something from IKEA made angels lose their wings.
12. Every time I read my kids Eloise at Christmas, I can’t help but think, “This girl has the worst parents ever.”
13. Most of our Elf on the Shelf ideas were stolen from Matthew and Jessica Paul Turner. I know that’s not how you’d say his name, but sometimes I like to think of them as the “Paul Turners.”
14. We aren’t going to the Christmas Eve services at church. We’re going to Christmas Eve Eve or as my wife calls it, “Christmas Adam.” That can’t be a thing people are saying, can it?
15. If someone wouldn’t leave my house until I gave them figgy pudding we would probably get in a fight.
16. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” sounds like the creepiest song in the world to me.
17. I’ve never known how to spell the word myrrrrh correctly. I’m confused by how many r’s in there.
That feels like enough. Certainly I’ve offended someone, at the bare minimum the Chex Mix fans.
What of you? Do you have a Christmas confession?